Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Warning, rant ensues.

I'm a natural birth advocate. I do not believe that birth is an illness, or needs to be strictly medically managed. I believe that women (in general), are capable of safely and easily birthing without intervention if they choose to. To that end I will encourage, provide support or information, and generally cheer on a woman who plans a natural birth. I've found some beautiful women in my (online) travels who love birth too, and know that if my time comes for another baby, I would be supported in the same way I have supported in the past. It's a beautiful and magical connection to share with so many women.

However, these online travels have taken me to conversations where I see guilt, fear or shame being spread around. Mothers made to feel bad, less of a mother, or an ignorant risk-taker for her choice, and it makes me so angry. Sadly, much of this comes from NCB advocates themselves. I am not saying that all NCB women are like this, but the number I have seen is both embarrassing and sad, coming from a community that is all about support, education and respect for women's right to choose how and where they birth. Birth should not be about guilt and shame and fear, there should be support, respect, education, and love no matter how the baby came into the world. At the end of the day the woman has still become a mother and there is a precious new life to be celebrated, regardless of how it happened and whether or not I (or anyone else) support that choice.

Even worse, so much of this guilt and shame is being aimed at mothers with a prior non-NCB experience, a choice that has been made, completed and over with for some time. I have spoken to a mother whose home birth experience was painful, traumatic and poorly managed, instead of support on NCB forums, she received blame and the "advice" that she did not allow her body to work properly.

I have seen a mother told her reason for an elective caesarean was a lie, I do not dispute that the reason in question is overplayed as a risk in childbirth, but the woman calling her out had no knowledge of the woman's health, history or experience. If she does not have trauma and is okay with whatever happened in her birth, why try and induce that guilt by reminding her how dangerous it COULD have been, especially when she and her babe are both healthy and well?

Where is the support and love, the recognition that the mothers made the choice they felt was best? That in some cases, despite the best efforts, birth is not always a perfect, blissful experience. How can someone say they support birth choices and rights, then turn around and attack someone else for making their own choice?  Most of all, why is so much of the attack aimed at women who have already birthed, and cannot go back and undo the choice?  She may already have trauma, guilt, or loss of self-worth from the experience, why why WHY compound that by telling her she is ignorant, or didn't do her job properly? Wrap her up in love, debrief the birth as many times as she needs. Tell her she is amazing, strong, her body is not broken.

My other big peeve with the NCB stance I've seen on some forums is the idea that elective caesarean should be banned. From women who picket to have their right to choose to birth at home none the less! How hypocritical. You cannot expect your right to choose to be respected, while trying to take away someone else's. I agree the elective c/s rate is too high, and the reasons given in a lot of cases could be helped by education, but to ban it all together? No, just no. I know women who would be traumatised even by a straightforward, low risk, vaginal birth, why take their right to opt for c/s away just because you wouldn't choose it yourself? It's demeaning to the cause that women are intelligent and know innately what they need to safely bring their baby into the world if you want to make the decision for them. For the women I know, an elective c/s is the ONLY way for them to give birth, without suffering extreme mental trauma and PTSD.

This comparison of births baffles me too, "If I had an 11lb posterior baby at home, anyone can." I like to believe that until research, medical tests, or just intuition tells her otherwise, any woman is capable of doing such a thing too, but each birth, each baby, each woman is different, a different journey, with different bumps, twists and turns, and nothing should be applied as a blanket rule. Not all women need or should have an epidural, not all women can or should give birth at home. It is not a competition, it is doing the best you can for you and your baby, whatever that may be. Don't compare births, and imply that a woman who did not do it your way is less of a woman, weaker, or inferior to you.

So - why the rock and a hard place title? Because that's where I am at. I am a natural birth advocate, but above all, I am an advocate for the rights of women to choose where and how they birth, whether that be natural or medically managed. I love the support and warmth of these gentle women who believe in any woman's ability to give birth without intervention or pain relief. But with attitudes that spread shame and guilt in women who did not live up to the standard of NCB advocates I am hesitant to affiliate myself with such a hard line of thinking. I do not want to be associated with a group of people who isolate or insult those who do not conform to their way of thinking. That is not what birth or motherhood are about. It is about sharing information, respecting one another, and supporting one another, whatever that choice. But I do not want to be seen as someone who expects birthing women to lay back and have their rights walked over either, because I most certainly don't. I want to be seen in the middle ground, the one who will support and love you either way, freebirth to caesarean and anything in between.

So, this is my promise to pregnant women I encounter. I will do my best to support your choice of birth, whether or not it is a choice I would make myself. If you ask me for information, I will do the best I can to make sure the info I give you is accurate, honest and unbiased and not force it on you if you don't want it. I will never put you down or belittle you for your choices. If you can look at me and tell me honestly "I have made the choice that I think is right for my birth" that will be the end of it, and I will respect that. I will respect your ability to choose what is best for you and your child.

I will support you.

I will love you.